Solo vs. Co-Pilot

Frequently I have the opportunity to parent my daughters going solo for a few days or even a week or so. It seems as though it takes a day to get used to the fact that you are alone and that no re-enforcements are coming in to help, relieve you or to play man-on-man offense or defense as needed. I look at these occasions as an opportunity to relax some of the domestic duties like cooking a real dinner every night! But usually it means that the girls and I enter some kind of detente where they realize mom's in charge and there is less room for begging, cajoling and waiting to see if Dad has a different opinion. I get kind of used to doing it my way and the girls and I seem to work it out. But then,

Papa comes home! Honestly, I can't wait for him to get home but it does change the delicate balance of control that worked while he was away. He and I are tired for different reasons, the kids are happy to see him and show it it their own ways and sometimes seem almost indifferent. The tricky part is now welcoming that second opinion, stepping back from making every decision, and reconnecting as a co-parent.


I'd like to know if other parent's struggle with this? Am i just really controlling? I don't want all the control...

Grave Digger

I read an interesting proverb the other day, "one who is busy has one foot in the grave." This sums me up pretty well and I guess I better work on my life. I am not ready for the grave or burn-out. I am taking a stand now to do less, do it well, avoid distractions, and deflect other people's stuff.

This post is actually about an one-eighth the length of the original essay but I lost it due to technical difficulties. In keeping with the theme of the post I am not going to recreate it. Cheers, B.

Sleepy Time

Ending the day. It seems like it should be a slow motion movement toward sleep. One slows down maybe has a cup of tea. You spend time catching up with personal friends on email or FB. Maybe read the day's mail or what's left of the morning paper. Then there is the self-care that happens. Maybe a book or some other reading. And then you make your way to bed. Seems so peaceful and relaxing.

At least it was before children! When do the evenings become relaxing again? Do I need to wait until they are teens or when they move out? Because clearly it isn't a quiet process around here with my two girls! It seems that getting ready for bed is also the perfect time to dance on the bathroom step stool and fall off nearly every night. It is also the time to pretend to brush your teeth but really just chew on the tooth brush. It is also a great time to test how fast you can run down the hall. And best of all it is to see if you can find every one of your mom's "buttons" and push them in a painful and repetitive manner!

Do they speak in code to each other? "Let's see how long until she cracks?" Is it a hard-wired sibling communication skill like ESP? "Hey, first you do this then I'll do that." "Ha-ha, that will really get her strung out!"

Maybe I am too eager to put them to bed so that I can enjoy the relaxing evening I described above while I still have a little energy left for myself! Guess I will get started on my second cup of tea so I can relax and fall asleep.

Until next time, B

Balance? What is that?

There is some myth out there called the work/family balance. What is it and how do I do it? It is as if there are only two issues that women seek to balance. I envision the Scales of Justice. On one side is the gold plated bowl hanging from a chain with the image of my husband, two dogs (well they were the "practice children") and then my tow daughters. And on the other side, in another gold plated bowl is work. Lots of books and magazine articles claim to have tips to help you achieve balance. Build a schedule, become more efficient, set limits, use boundaries, blah, blah blah. I envision this gold plated, stoic woman draped in a toga (like the Statue of Liberty) looking serene with an arm outstretched holding the scale. She looks beautiful. But the problem is, I am not that stoic woman.

I am a nearly 40 year old woman, wife of 12 years, mom, non-profit director, struggling runner, long distance daughter and sister, and tired. I am tired a lot... Most days 'serene' is not a word I would use to describe myself. It's not that I am neurotic, but hmm... Mostly I feel frazzled, overwhelmed, like I am just "doing my best", maybe even just treading water.

Some days I feel like it is a well oiled machine - this family and work thing I have going. But other days it is challenging at best. Sure the days that I start off with self-care like yoga or a good run, I feel better. But isn't it crazy that the sheer act of getting out of the house on time with lunch boxes, shoes, jackets, etc. can evaporate any good vibes you had going. Then there is the drop-off at school or day-care... It is amazing to me that I can be singing a children's song one minutes and checking my email on my blackberry at the stop light the next minute. Should I be doing this? Who's to judge? Is this quality time or am I taking advantage of a free moment?

A dear friend of mine suggests I should meditate to find a sense of calm and well being. Maybe that will help. Will it stop my compulsion to check-in with work to get a jump on my tasks and to-do lists? Maybe so. I have read some of the book that she has loaned me. It is a lovely book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. It sounds great and maybe I will finish the book and give it a try. I think I will begin with baby steps first - I'll start with two minutes and build up. She advises me that my life is about to be "transformed"! Wow is that possible? Am I open to the possibilities? Do I resist the concept of meditation because secretly I am addicted to the adrenaline of my day and fear being calm?

For now, I will plan on waking up early and taking a run. I think I am serene as I listen to my breath and my foot-falls on the pavement during my run. Maybe that is my meditation zone. We'll see. Perhaps I look for balance differently each day. Maybe a string of days that are closer to the middle actually averages out and you feel balanced. I am not sure but I will let you know.

Until next time, B